Just yesterday, 11-29-07, my uncle died. He was like my father. He's the one that played games with me(except sports, you'll see why later), he taught me alot of things(most inappropriate.), and gave me his sarcasm reflex. Early in his life, he did something that fucked up(and I mean seriously fucked up) his metabolism. At age thirteen, he was 250 and 6'0". Doctors told him he wouldn't live to see 30. He lived to see 41, with his birthday just nine days away. He said it himself, "30 is a blessing, 40 is a pipedream."

My uncle has always been a big guy. This year he injured his knee and couldn't leave his room in his apartment. I would go over to help him and keep him company. He knew he wasn't going to make it to Christmas. He got a blood-clot in his left leg earlier this week. Well, blood-clots travel and this one went to his lungs. I followed the ambulance, and helped the paramedics get him onto the gurney. He said he couldn't breathe. I grabbed his hand. I told him that I had always loved him. He squeezed my hand, and laughed. He flatlined and died right there.

We told the entire family, and it wasn't good. My grandfather, the bravest man I knew, broke down crying. My grandmother, being as religious as she is, gave my uncle the final blessing. Me and my brother get half of his bank account. So I get half of nothing, my brother gets the other half. Ha. My uncle didn't want to be missed and he wanted an Irish wake. It's going to be hard not to be somber at the wake. His friends are flying in to do what friends do when someone dies.

We had to pay $600 to move him to a crematory from wherever he was. Because he was so big. If he wasn't, it woulda been $100. Also, cremating him is going to cost $1000 plus because apparently they add $1 a pound after the 220 mark. They also have to 'surgically alter' him into the oven thing or else he may burn the entire place down; That costs $500. For a simple cremation, it's going to cost $2200. He also left behind no will, no money, no notes, no health insurance, no nothing. Except for his ever-lasting mark on me and the Dodge family. May god rest his soul.

Update: He always wanted to make this comic called Obese Ninja. Stealth of Elephant, Swiftness of Office building.

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I AM.

DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO!